Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Randomize
