My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
We are taking shots for every green Lon-Capa box we get for the homework.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
