Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
