so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
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