maybe i get so drunk and make stupid mistakes cuz Subconsiously im preparing for my real world debut
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
Randomize
