At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
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