he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
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