I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
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