just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
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