You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
I think they gave out some kind of ugly girl scholarship I don't know about...
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
Randomize
