New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
She's just so happy...and so naked.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Randomize
