9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
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