i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
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