I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
this must be what syphilis tastes like
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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