TYLER... glimpse of last night: leather chaps, guacamole dip, a jump rope, spray paint, and rhinestone studded pajamas.
i think you have the wrong number... but your story sounds delightful.
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
