not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
