Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
