He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
