Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Do u kno any dealers?
I've officially lost all respect for you, dad.
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
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