You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Panties = found
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
