I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
Randomize
