hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
I want to be your penis for a week.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
