I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
never thought i'd see a ''climb of shame'' until she came down from the attic in front of the whole party..
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Randomize
