It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
