drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
Randomize
