Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
Randomize
