Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
Randomize