apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Randomize
