Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
Randomize
