Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
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