Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
