i was rollin on her like bob the builder
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
Randomize