Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
