bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
