He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
Randomize
