saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
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