Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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