all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Randomize
