If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
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