between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
What's your opinion on eating ass? Just looking for a yes or no
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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