I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
Randomize
