so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
Best friends brother. Beat that.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
Randomize
