it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
Randomize
