Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
