im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
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