Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
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