So #1 way to come back last night and #2 wishbone and I broke into his house and i opened joey's door and u were both passed out and pantless.
Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
Randomize
