I want to stick my p in your. b.
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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