it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Randomize
