I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
We're having the conversation about what happened last night, all we can come up with is that we came home, drank two litres of lemonade, I took one of her seizure pills and we fell asleep with sabrina the teenage witch on
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
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