Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
Randomize
