I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
