dude this 15 year old girl saw our youtube vid and just facebook messaged me saying i was verry verry pretty. i have no schemas for how to respond to this situation.
woah 15?
i know! what is this dateline?
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
Randomize
