Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
Randomize