alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
They wouldn't serve more then two Shots per person, so you grabbed a group of strangers and said u werre buying them all shots, then proceeded to drink all of them.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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