I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize