Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
