I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
