I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
the whole time he was cumming, he did the joey lawrence WHOA. over and over. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
