So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
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