The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
Randomize
