He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Randomize
